I apologize to anyone who has been following.
Very soon after my last post we found out we were expecting a third child, and after a recent loss in November, I was a little raw and kind of withdrew from a lot of things. This blog being one of them.
I was wondering when and how to write a post on my experiences with miscarriage and loss, but I guess I will just suck it up and do it now. This however, isn't going to be a play by play or any gory detail. Just my thoughts on the thing as a whole.
It's a very real grieving process, and unfortunately it is one that is not talked about enough.
People come out of the woodwork and tell you about their losses. I was shocked to learn that so many people I knew had endured this pain, and never said a word.
The whole thing saddened me, in our culture miscarriage is so hush hush. It really shouldn't be, we need to talk about these feelings and physical symptoms that we experience. We need to talk about them to move on, not to forget, but to remember and put ourselves in a better position about it.
It really made me question how I deal with loss as a whole, not just a loss of a baby but loss in general. There was a real emotional process to it, and once I was able to get past the tears and roller coaster of hormones, I could finally think clearly and understand what I was feeling. It really helped me to learn how to cope and actually deal with those feelings, instead of just burying them. Which was my way of dealing with most loss in my past.
It is a hard road to walk, and I really feel for every woman who has dealt with it.
After my last miscarriage, finding out I was expecting again was a very different experience for me. It took a really long time for me to believe it. It took a really long time to allow myself to enjoy it. (not that puking all the time and feeling wonderfully tired all day everyday was enjoyable, but you get my drift) Expecting again actually made me deal with the loss even more, and then put me in a better place. It didn't happen over night, but over many days of deep thought and plenty of tears.
My biggest lesson from all of this, it's okay to be upset. You would think that would be obvious, but to me it wasn't. I didn't accept the pain right away, and I just tried to bounce right back. That was not the greatest idea and it didn't work at all.
After talking about it, and giving the lost possibilities a real place in my life, I am in a much, much better place. It was real, it did happen, I was really upset, and all that is okay. It's also okay that I am having another, different child and that I am enjoying every part of this pregnancy now. Even the heartburn... ha, okay, maybe a tad bit of sarcasm.
